I’ve had to say I’m sorry to so many people in my life.
I regret that there are some people that I haven’t been able to apologize to, and some that I don’t even know that I need to apologize to. I carry this with me every day. Please know that I am sorry.
I can still feel the pull. I haven’t had a drink in over 2 years, but I still think about it and a part of me will always desire it.
I go out with friends and colleagues and see their shows at bars, or chat in lobbies with wine and cocktails all around. I can do that now, but I have to make a conscious choice not to have a drink. Walking home from a hard day I find the desire to drink away some of that pain and stress, and I have to make a conscious choice not to have a drink. When my anxiety and depression set in, I have to make a conscious choice not to have a drink. It’s always there. And I always make a conscious choice not to have a drink.
I’m still trying to figure me out. I’m still trying to understand why I was drinking. I don’t know if I’ll ever have all the answers. In all honesty, I’m scared to know some of the answers. But I should at least try to reach them, right?
I’m not in this journey alone. I have relationships that weathered my drinking and a dear companion that went through the same journey, and here we are.
Love is the thing that acts as my light in the storm. I look around and I can feel the love and support from my family and friends.
It’s like “Robert B.” (an anonymous poet in recovery) says in his poem Spare Verse XXIII which I’ve set to music (with some edits from the original poem) for the upcoming SASS “Voices of Mental Health” recital:
I watched a friend fall
Slipping sliding into the abyss
Watching I remember
…my own chaotic descent…
I reached for him as others
Had reached for me…
I watched him fall
I hope he heard me calling
Calling from the edge
Where love and light live
I can attest to the fact that it is really, really hard to hear those calls when you’re drowning in addiction; but, I can also say thank you for the love and light in my life that have helped me be here today. I am here and sober because of your energy. I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you.
I hope you can join us on May 17th at 7:30pm to explore mental health and substance use with us through song, and to work as a community in One Voice.